Let’s go back a bit to 2019.. I was blessed with the most precious thing in my life, my baby girl. After 17 hours of labour our little beauty arrived at 17.31pm on her due date. The best day of my life. Unfortunately for me those ‘baby blues’ stuck around a lot longer. About three weeks after birth, I was diagnosed with Postnatal depression. Something I never thought I would go through. At every hospital appointment the midwife had always asked how I was feeling and if I had any worries coming up close to my due date. I had so much support and they had always told me if I had any worries over anything to give them a call. I felt perfectly fine throughout my pregnancy, well, mentally but physically exhausted and trying to keep up with the constant changes my body was making. Pregnancy is tough, you want to power through but when I look back now I wish I had of listened to people when they told me to relax and rest.
One thing my sister kept telling me was to look after myself. I was constantly out buying clothes and that for the baby but nothing for myself. I never properly prepared myself for the changes that were to come. There’s a phase which they call the newborn bubble. My god I was definitely in that bubble! I was dying to come home after I had Zara, when I really should have stayed an extra day or two. I was home on the Friday and I was out and about on the Sunday. It was the worst thing I had done.
Thinking back now of all the decisions I had made in that baby bubble really affected me. I regret not giving myself time to heal and relax. And I think it had led to where I am today. After I had Zara I didn’t feel like I was the same person when I looked at myself in the mirror. I would do my hair and my makeup and it was like I was looking at a different person. I had no idea who I was. I had a lot of break downs, some so bad I couldn’t remember what I had said to people when I calmed down. I am so lucky I have the most amazing support from my boyfriend and my family, especially my sister. She knew when to let me get it all off my chest, the sadness, the anger. I could not be anymore grateful for the help she gave me through it all.
I had been in and out of the doctors a few times before they ‘officially’ diagnosed me with postnatal depression and recommended I try medication to help. It took two weeks until I saw a difference. I felt like I was back to myself, I would look in the mirror and I was that same person I was before I was pregnant. But a few months past and I felt myself going downhill again. I was having more bad days, feeling down and I had no motivation to do anything. I wanted to change, I needed too. The doctor had referred me to counselling to help but I’m still on waiting lists for two different places.
It’s not easy to sit down and talk to someone about your struggles or even someone you know. It’s also not easy to go public about it but after I posted on my Instagram about my depression, the amount of messages I got was amazing. I was not expecting it whatsoever, it was the most nerve wrecking thing but I’m so glad I did it and it’s really helped me openly talk about it. There is such a stigma around Postnatal depression, at times I felt so ashamed I was going through it. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not my fault and it’s out of my control. But what I can control is how I cope with it, which is what I’m going to share here hoping it will help someone else who is going through the same thing!
